9. Does this behavior remind me of anything that I experienced as a child?
We are often more vulnerable to behaviors which remind us of situations which we experienced when we were children. If we could get free from the pain or fear we are holding from our childhood years, the behavior which presently bothers us would not affect us so much.
We are attracting this behavior because we need to have contact with it until we free ourselves from that baggage from the past. It is our stimulus towards growth and maturity.
The lesson is to transform our childhood experiences.

10. Am I perhaps playing some role here which is attracting this behavior from the other?
A. The victim? B. The intimidator C. The teacher D. The parent E. The child F. The intelligent one G. The righteous one H. The rebel I. The strong one - without needs J. The just one K. The good person L. The one responsible for all M. The server N. The weak one O. The spiritual person P. The judge Q. The Aloof R. The critic or Interrogator. S. Some other role?

Each of these roles tends to attract similar or opposite roles from those around us. If we play the parent, the other will behave like a child. If we play the child, the other will behave like a parent, teacher or savior. If we feel responsible for everyone, the others will be irresponsible etc.
The lesson here is to discover which of our roles are reflecting in the other’s behavior, or is making his or her behavior annoying to us. Once we determine this, we will need to see what adjustments we need to make in the way we are interpreting our role.

11. Which are my needs or attachments that are being intimidated by this behavior?
12. What will I lose if I do not get the behavior I want from that person?
Our needs and attachments are reflected in many ways. Our negative feelings result from our not being able to get what we want or from our fearing that we may not be able to have it, or that we might lose it. When our happiness is dependent on someone or something outside of ourselves, and the time has come for us to transcend that attachment, life offers us behaviors and events which force us to free ourselves from this attachment or else continue to suffer.
When the time has come to overcome the belief that "I must have that____" some of the following possible situations might occur:

a. Obstacles appear towards having it.
b. We obtain it but at the expense of our health.
c. We have it but it produces conflicts with others.
d. We have it but it causes us conflict with ourselves.
e. We have it, but we lose it.
f. We destroy our health and harmony trying to get it.
h. Some around us also believe we must have it. They strengthen our beliefs.
i. Others are against our having it.

One lesson is that we can be happy, safe and satisfied without this attachment. Another might be to become more positive and capable of manifesting what we want.

13. Do I have any feelings of guilt here, which might be being mirrored? Are feelings of guilt or responsibility for the other making me vulnerable to this behavior?
Our feelings of guilt and shame are very easily reflected by those around us. We attract from others what makes us feel guilt or shame until we are able to transform the beliefs that generate those feelings.
Our feelings of guilt or self-doubt are often what which make the other’s behavior painful for us, as we are reminded by their behavior of our doubts about our purity, ability and self-worth.
Our lesson is to clarify in our minds what our real responsibilities are concerning the others and where our self-worth is based.

14. Am I being critical, judgmental or rejecting here?
We will attract whatever we criticize and condemn until we learn to understand and accept the other. We can disagree with another's behavior, without rejecting the person. As long as we criticize and condemn, we will be confronted over and over again by this same behavior.
Our lesson is to develop understanding, acceptance, forgiveness and love for others and ourselves.
15. Do I have any internal conflicts that are being played out here? Is there a part of myself who doubts my own self and agrees with the other?
Our internal conflicts are very often reflected by others who are reflecting one of our conflicting personas. Because we are in conflict with ourselves, the other’s behavior annoys us by bringing to the surface a part of ourselves with which we are already in conflict.
For example, if one part of ourselves says we should be making more money, get married, achieve more, work more, eat less, spend more time with the children, have more discipline or lose weight and the other person gives us any of these messages in any way, we are disturbed by his or her behavior, because it reminds us of a conflict we already have with ourselves.
In such a case, we need to apply an inner dialogue technique and clarify internally what we really want and believe. We also need to accept this conflict until it is resolved and then we will be able to share it with others. This work is described in detail in the book "Saram - A Soul Adventure in Persona Reconciliation".

16. Are there any emotions, needs and beliefs that I have not clearly communicated to the other?
Our unexpressed emotions, needs and beliefs are frequently reflected by others. This will happen until we overcome any obstacles to honest and sincere communication with those who behave in ways that annoy us. If we have never expressed clearly to someone without accusation and criticism that his or her behavior bothers us, how do we expect him or her to stop?
Our lesson is to learn to make I-messages expressing very clearly what we want, need, feel and believe, without trying to put down or hurt the other.

17. What is my lesson here? What do I need to change in order to stop attracting this behavior and, in the case that it appears, not be bothered by it?
18. What do I need to do to maintain my happiness?
Questions 17 and 18 ask us to look to the answers we have given to the questions above and decide what we need to transform in order to cease attracting the behavior which bothers us and, in the case that it does appear, not be bothered by it. The basis answer in each case is to transform the beliefs, which are creating this reflection and projection.

19. Now imagine that the other person actually changes and behaves exactly as you wish, and becomes a perfect friend respecting your every need, and that this problem has completely disappeared. Notice how you feel with this idea.
This visualization and question has been added at the end for two reasons. First, it allows us to imagine this situation as solved and transformed. This is an essential aspect of manifesting the change we desire; i.e. to be able to envision it.
We cannot create what we cannot first believe. If we cannot image the other as being kind and loving it will very likely never happen.
The second reason is for us to see how we feel with the idea of this problem being totally solved and the other behaving in a perfect way. It is interesting that a large number of people have discovered with this question that something was missing when the problem disappeared. They then realized that, although they complain about this person’s behavior, it actually serves some purpose in their lives.
For some, being the victim, the abused was their way of establishing their own self-worth. As long as the other was wrong, then they were the good guys and thus worthy. Now without this game, they are no longer affirmed on a daily basis.
In other cases, the problem was an excuse for not to being able to manifest their creativity or productivity, and now they would have no excuse. For still others, it was a reason not to be happy, and now they will have to find another reason, or "risk" being happy.

This questionnaire could also be used to analyze our lessons inherent in situations or events which are annoying us, by simply replacing the word behavior with the words event, circumstance or situation. Also we can, in the same way, analyze what we can learn from our body through problems of health or appearance. But in this book we are focusing on relationships.

Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30 years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and now does so over the Internet. Over 600 free articles, lectures, relaxation and positive projection as mp3 audio. Become a life coach. At http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/